Grayback
by Invader Kiwi
Summary: Look, it's not like I'm torn between sides or anything. I know EXACTLY where my loyalties lie. So come on, let's make a deal, and when this is all over, you'll see. They'll all see. Because I'm America. I always have been, and I always will be, and nothing will ever - EVER - stand in my way. Oh, and I like my flag just the way it is, thank you very much.


_An experimental piece, presented as a one-sided conversation (fill in the other half as you will) with America during the 1800s._

_Rated for language, implied torture, implied gore. So you're fine if you're not good at picking up on implications.  
_

* * *

Hi, there! Come on in. You're a bit early – I'm still cleaning the place up. Sorry about the clutter. Here, take a seat, I'll be with you in a second. There's some stuff in the basement that I need to take care of.

Right, sorry to keep you waiting. I'm glad you're here, really. Trade agreements are a pretty important step and I hope we can get this done and part as friends. As opposed to, you know, mortal enemies or whatever. 'Cause I hear those things happen. Anyways, how've you been doing?

Good to hear. Hey, you know you're welcome over here at any time, right? The whole "Land of the Free" thing, that's sorta what it means. Come and visit. Tell the others. I'd like to get to know everyone. I mean, you know, I'm not frigging _ancient_ like England or whatever, and a guy's gotta socialize somehow.

Look, I don't wanna talk about him, alright? We didn't part on the best of terms, and I dunno what he's doing now. But I've been trying to smooth things over with him and France, for true. Ya' know, the trade agreements? That's where you come in. And we should really get to that. So yeah.

Mais, here's the thing. I'm having some problems with the cotton. There's been a bit of a skedaddle and… well, _someone_ decided to come and mess the whole thing up. Like I said, I'm tryin' to get the Brit to step in, but it's not going so well. No, no, don't worry – I don't need him! I'm the hero! You know that, right? Yeah. Anyway. So here's the deal…

Wait, you heard about that? Nah, s'fine, don't worry about it. It's just a little skirmish. Look, I've got it all under control. I figure in a few years the whole thing'll blow over and I'll be back in business – got a booming agriculture industry, ya' know? But seriously, what I'm saying is, you help out a little here (not that I _need_ help, it's just that things tend to go a little smoother with another set of hands) and I'll help you out. I'll import food, weaponry, some other stuff, you get all the raw materials you could ever want. I mean, I've got all the resources this world could ever need!

Oh, come on, my infrastructure is _fine_!

Hey, don't look at me like that. I may just be gettin' started here, but I'm gonna become the strongest country in the world. You just watch. My general, you know, he's not looking far enough ahead. I mean, Bobby's got dreams, but he ain't got no drive! I dunno how much you know about what's going on over here, but I'm telling you, we're making the _future_!

I _am_ calm, dammit!

Huh? Oh, you noticed? Yeah, I've been doing it a little differently for a while. France kept saying my hair looked like his and England was getting pissed and I decided it was time for a change. Didn't like Nantucket that much anyway.

I'm feeling perfectly fine. Get your hand off my forehead.

Look, this is ridiculous. I just wanna make a deal. You help me fix up some of the little… uh… _issues_ I've been dealing with, that'd be great. For now, I send you raw materials, you send me the manufactured stuff – and then, when this is all over and I get Bobby to set his sights a little _higher_, if you know what I mean (you don't? Heh, 'course you don't), I'll be self-sufficient and we can rearrange things.

Right. So whatever we do now, it's temporary. We got a deal?

What do you mean? My flag's always looked like that. Red, white, and blue! Maybe _you're _not feeling so good. Besides, you're kinda avoiding the question.

No, no, you're wrong. That version was stupid. Forget about it.

Why? Well, it had too many stripes and stuff on it, for one. It was too pompous, ya' know?

_Sides_? What makes you think I'm picking _sides_? It's all _me_, no matter what they say.

Look, I'm telling you, I'm fine. Seriously. It's just… well, you know how it is. How old are you, again? You've gotta have had something like this. Everything sorts itself out in the end. Just forget about it, 'kay? Now do we have a deal?

Great! Shake on it, then.

Ha! We are so going to be an unbeatable team. I'll be the hero, and you can be my sidekick, and–

Huh? What noise? I didn't hear anything.

Oh… oh, don't worry about that. I've got a… cat… in the basement. Must not have closed the door properly. Hold on a sec.

There we go. Where were we? Uh… oh, right! So yeah, we're friends now, or something, right? I dunno, how does that work? We're not, like, married or anything, right? Right?

Whew. Good. Had me worried for a second there. Well, I guess you could start calling me by my name. My human one, I mean. "America" is short compared to the alternative, but "Albert E. Jones" is shorter.

Yeah, that's my name.

Who told you that? No, it's definitely "Albert." I've never been "Alfred." But you can just call me "Al" if you want! Heh, or "Johnny."

Well, he was wrong. England's kinda old – he's probably getting dementia or something. So anyway, what should I call you?

Nice. Well, hello there, good to meet ya', now let's get this show on the road!

Huh? I really don't hear anything. I told you, I've got this cat–

Hey, don't go down there. Seriously. It's a mess. Like I said, you came kinda early and I didn't really have time to clean up. Come on, sit down. We still have to do paperwork (ugh) and all that stuff.

That's better.

What, the flag again? Look, I like this version better, okay? This is the land of the _free_, okay – I can have my own damn opinion! What's it to you, anyway? Ya' got a problem with me?

I _AM_ CALM!

Ugh. Look, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I'm just under a lot of stress right now. Mais… ya' know how it is, right? I guess this whole thing is just getting to me, and the country's… well, I don't wanna say, it but I'll be honest – it's not doing so well.

Of course I mean America. I'm America. What did you think I meant?

Hey, I told you, I'm not picking sides. And no _duh_ I'm a union. Bunch of states. Together. United. That's kinda the definition.

Whaddya mean, _the_ Union? Look, I don't like what you're implying. It's all the same thing, don't you get it. "Union" and "Confederacy" are syn… syno… synagogues, alright? They mean the same thing! It's all the same! It's just a fucking disagreement and when they just _see_ that I'm better then everything will be _fine_, okay?!

BECAUSE I LIKE IT BETTER, ALRIGHT?! It's _better_. Everything's better – _I'm better_! They're all idiots, the Yanks, I swear, they don't know what they're doing and it doesn't even matter because everything's fine and it'll all be over soon and I'll prove it, you'll see, everyone'll see because I'M BETTER! And I'm– No! Don't go down there!

Get the hell away from there! Get out of here! You dunno what you're doing, you dunno anything, so just get out and leave me alone or I swear I'll… I'll…

It's my cat, really, come on, just go home! Please! Ugh, I don't _need_ this right now – I just need help, alright?! There, I said it – I, the hero, need _help_. Okay? So fine, you don't have to go home, but please, just come back upstairs and help me! Please! Oh, _come on_…

No, don't open that door, there's nothing–

Damn it.

Ugh.

Fuck, you weren't supposed to see this. Look, I know this looks bad, but it's war, ya' know? Come on, it doesn't matter. I'm sure you've seen worse.

Whaddya' talkin' about? _I'm _America. That's… look, that's not me. I know he looks like me. I know… that's kinda why he's down here. Damn Yank. Look, it really doesn't matter. I'm me, he's him. I know, he's pitiful, ain't he? You can help, you know. Help me put him out of his misery.

Yeah. Yeah, okay, so maybe I lied a little bit. So? I didn't want people to be worrying their fucking brains out over this cockroach of a Nation. Speakin' of brains, I think you're standing in a little bit. I did this Egyptian thing with a spoon up his nose just to see what would happen, and he hasn't said anything coherent since. Think I, you know, messed something up – but lemme tell ya', I'm not complaining!

Mm-hm. Cockroach. S'what I call him, 'cause he's icky and crawly and Just. Won't. Die. 'Course, me and Bobby, we'll be taking care of that soon enough.

Oh, don't look so surprised. I bet you got started young, too. Innocence doesn't last forever, I've got to grow up sometime, and there's always gonna be war. All the better for me, though. Look, you really weren't supposed to see this. I can't let you tell anyone – especially not England and France. They don't get it. They're sending supplies to me, 'cause they think it doesn't really matter which side is which, and it _shouldn't_ – it _doesn't_ – but… but, well, ya' know, the roach is the one they think they're helping. Which is dumb. I mean, I'm _better_.

I'M _BETTER_, ALRIGHT?! I'm a better America than he _ever_ was! And you'd better get that into your head, because in a couple of years you won't have a _choice_, 'cause it'll just be _me_! ME!

Yeah, that's right, you'd fucking _better_ look scared.

Right. Here's what happens. You come upstairs, we sign the paperwork, you provide military support and provisions, I get _my_ country back, production increases, I'll pay you whatever. Deal?

Well, I can't exactly let you go running off to blabber about this if you say no. I mean, I _know_ it isn't a big deal… but the others aren't really gonna see it that way.

_Don't worry about him, dammit!_ He's a _roach_, 'kay? All we have to do is squash him and it won't be a problem anymore.

Oh, look, he's awake. Don't go near the chains, don't touch him, and don't look at his face. Those damn puppy-dog eyes almost got me once or twice. Anyways, deal?

_Deal?_

Look, I'm not gonna ask again, so goin' once.

Goin' twice.

Smart choice. Come on, let's go upstairs. There's nothing to see here.

Hm? Oh, is the "Albert" thing making you uncomfortable? That's okay – I get it. I mean, we barely know each other. You can just call me America. As in, the Confederate States of.

Ugh, the screaming's started again – lemme go take care of that. Sit down and make yourself comfortable.

I think we're going to be the best of friends.


End file.
